Ep. #6 – The Relationship with Yourself
We want to feel better about ourselves but don’t know how to do that.
We go on trips, change jobs, workout, eat healthier, or go on an Amazon shopping spree, but the enjoyment is temporary. Those things never improve how we feel about ourselves.
There is a filter to how we view everything we do. We’ll talk about how your relationship with yourself is a filter for all other relationships. When you focus some attention there, everything else improves.
What You’ll Learn on this Episode:
- Why the relationship with yourself is so valuable.
- How you can treat the root cause of feeling stuck.
- How to create the best relationship with yourself.
Featured on the Show:
- Interview with Yourself Worksheet
- If you are ready to take this work deeper and work with me one-on-one, click here to schedule a free call with me.
- Join me on Instagram and tag me in all your ‘I love it’ Hello, Lovely moments!
The Relationship with Yourself
00:00:04 - 00:05:03
Welcome to the hello lovely podcast with Christy Williams here. I cannot wait to teach you how to be yourself, so you can live a life you love without beating yourself up and feeling. So hang out with me and I'll show you exactly how to do that. Let's get started. Hi, guys. It’s another week and another episode. And there is so much to celebrate. I am working with some amazing women right now that are having. Some having great breakthroughs and making amazing. changes in their mindset in what they're doing and it's just amazing. So amazing - touches my heart. And I'm celebrating that all day all week all month. And tonight is date night with the Hubby. So celebrating that I'm going to make a nice pasta dish and fresh vegetables from the garden, and that's super cool. Having Zucchini right from the backyard. Super fun, and what else am I working on? This coming year 2021, so a year from now, I'm planning a trip with the hubs to go to Europe, and this is how I'm viewing it. I know right now people aren't traveling and I'm okay with that. The way I'm looking at this trip is I’m going to plan it as it's happening. I'm going to plan this beautiful, wonderful trip. And if we have to cancel totally fine. But right now I can have all the fun choosing all the locations and the restaurants and I can research. The experiences and the must have everything. Who has the best views? What's the best place to go at night? And if we get to go bonus so I really enjoy the planning stage too. So I'm saying yes and looking forward to that and I really enjoy building an itinerary. It's just a lot of fun to do that. anyway, so even if we don't go which I'm just planning on going and will totally book and plan this trip as if it's for real. And if it has to be cancelled, find, I’m open to that too because going on the trip is not creating my happiness. It's adding an experience to my life just by looking and doing the research. I really do enjoy that a lot. I booked one of our trips to Italy in two thousand eleven and we had a budget of five thousand dollars or less or everything for flights for food for passports for all the tickets. You know when you plan a trip there's like more than just the hotel like so it's all things and I did it was able to do our trip with all the expenses. Five thousand dollars or less, and we stayed eighteen nights you guys. Eighteen nights. Crazy we went on so many trains, planes, automobiles, like it was crazy and all of that was able to do because I spent some time researching. So that's the part of the fun to me. So I'm going to be doing that now for like the Grease/Portugal trip that we're planning. So, is it possible? Always even if you don't think you have a big budget or a lot of time or the best circumstances, there's always a way to make something happen. When it lines up with what you want to do and your priorities and all this so But was super funny is my husband is not the planner. He is not the itinerary guy and so up till the night before we were going, he had no idea. where? He had no idea. What we were doing, so funny, he knew we were going to Italy of course he's all fact he knew we were going Italy for eighteen nights, but he had no idea where we were going. So I remember being in the hotel before a flight took off and asking him. So would you like to know where we're going tomorrow? He's like that would be wonderful. But that's just how flexible he is and he trusts me and I love the planning. So he just lets me do it. Okay. So that's what I'm doing right now but let's get started on today's topic. which is the relationship with yourself. So the topic, the relationship with yourself is really kind of a continuation on last week's topic about believing in yourself. So now that we know that that's not weird and what that means, we're going to get very specific about why this relationship is super duper valuable. We're also going to talk about why we don't really have a good one without doing it on purpose.
00:05:04 - 00:10:02
And what you can do about that specific things you can do to one know how to have a relationship with yourself and two create an amazing one. So the first thing is why it matters. Why does it matter what our relationship with ourself is. I'll tell you why? Your relationship with yourself is the filter for everything else you do. So everything that you think about everything that you wanna do, people, business, money, your future, like your circumstance,everything that you're doing is coming through the filter of what you think about yourself, your view of yourself. So sometimes we will look outside of ourselves for things to make us feel better about ourselves and just notice how that's an action we take. We are looking outside of ourselves to feel better about ourselves. So interesting because we want to feel better on the inside. We want to feel better on the inside, but we're looking outside. So just noticed this is what we do on default without paying intentional attention to the relationship with ourself looks like and why we don't feel super tight. This is what happens we’ll look outside of ourselves about our feeling on the inside we get different feedback. We have no idea who to listen to and we don't know who we are and we're feeling totally stuck. Then we just really want to eat or have a glass of wine 'cause like that's too much. Getting all this feedback people are telling me to be all these things and do all these things. I have no idea who I am and I do feel better inside. But so seriously, this is what we do. We can't handle that. We don't want to feel those emotions, and honestly, we really don't know how we don't know how like we have ideas but we've tried things before we don't know how to feel better genuinely inside about ourselves. So we buffer and that just looks like using some kind of outside physical thing to feel better. So picture having you know big bowl of pasta or a big glass of wine or two or going shopping or distracting on Netflix for hours whatever it is there's nothing wrong with those things, but they cannot make us feel better about ourself on the inside. So they may give us a better feeling at the surface level, and we're looking for those to fix how we're feeling, but they don't actually fix anything. Because they're not solving for the root cause. So think about how they make us feel. They make us feel better at the surface level immediate gratification and even if the item is not what you would think of bad item like pasta’s not bad wine’s not bad shopping's not bad netflix's not bad, but we're using it to feel better, and it's just not solving for the root cause. So I want you to imagine this as having a broken arm. Like it hurts. It's clear to the doctor that it hurts. And he wants to help you. He wants to help you with your pain. So he gives you a prescription for a very strong pain medicine. It's a pain block. And listen, it does block the pain like for real. But it's a temporary block, and it's not solving the root cause of the problem. It's not solving your broken arm. Taking the pain block is not surgery it's not fixing the root cause You guys see what I'm saying here. So as soon as that block is worn off, you're screaming. You need surgery. And now it probably hurts more because you have been covering over the pain with just surface fixes. Good news is when you do have the surgery, and it’s a success you can heal. And that's what it looks like with the relationship with yourself. The broken arm doesn't have to be permanently destroyed. It was a clean break. It can be a clean surgery. It clean heal. And you can move forward from that the same with a relationship with yourself. So eventually, you don't even need the pain meds anymore. That's what solving the relationship with looks like. To have the best relationship in those areas. I mentioned before like with people with your job with your priorities with all the things that you're trying to get done. It has to start with the best relationship with yourself.
00:10:03 - 00:15:00
Even when you have spiritual goals, if you don't value yourself at all, and you don't think anything is possible for you, it's really hard to try to stick to those goals even though they're really important. That's the whole thing you guys. It’s just because something is really really really really really important to us, it doesn't mean it's going to automatically happen. And then we're like, why? Why am I not doing this? Why? It's so important to me? It's because we're not looking at that root cause. The relationship with yourself. So this is the one we give the least attention to. We give it least attention. One we worry it's selfish. If I have a relationship with myself, I’m going to put myself above other people because I don't want to become this person who doesn't care about people. Right? like we're really think that's going to happen. And that's exactly the opposite of actually creating relationship with yourself, but that's what we think. We worry that it’s selfish. We don't want to know what we think of ourselves. We really don't want to look at. What we're thinking about ourselves. We fear that we can't handle what we find in there. That's number three. Four. We don't know how. We're never really been taught this. We know that we should. Take care of ourselves because that's been told to us before but. Creating a relationship with ourselves that's just never even come across our awareness at all, our vocabulary even. And Five, we don't know we can so I want to address all of those in this special episode about the relationship with yourself. Because remember guys, creating an amazing relationship with yourself help you reach your priorities and goals. So the first one there, we worry that it's selfish and that we think that it's going to make us be this person who just doesn't care about priorities and doesn't care about other people anymore we're going to just become this proud, arrogant person. That is the opposite, the opposite of what a great relationship with yourself does. It doesn't mean you're more important than anyone else or anything. When you take care of your relationship with yourself, it just means that you actually are paying attention to yourself and checking in. We don't want to know so we don't look at it. We don't want to know what we're thinking about ourselves. That's where we may even buffer. We're like, oh no, I'm starting to think about what I'm thinking about myself and that's too hard block. Where's my pain block? And not that it means anything bad about. It just means you're a human. Like this is how humans on default are. We criticize ourselves, and we we don't want to know. We don't want to know what we're thinking, and the good news is, is that all you'll ever find when you look at what you're thinking about yourself are sentences. Just sentences in your head. And it's okay and the good news is it is easier to look at what you think about yourself when you just promise yourself, you won't judge you for taking a look. So you'll look at the thought, you'll see what they are. You judge yourself and beat yourself up for what's in there. You can just look curiously just see. Hey, this is what I want to change, but not the slapdown. And that kind of goes into three that we fear we can't handle what we find in there, but you guys all will ever find in our brain again sentences. It's totally safe to do so and that's why I created that worksheet that I referred to in last week's podcast that is still available highly recommend you have got to do. This interview with yourself. You guys it’s specially designed for you to have a calm, curious look at what you're thinking about yourself like where you at like where's the start. Where's your starting point with a relationship with yourself? Like this is so important to know. And I promise you, it will not hurt you just going to find is going to be a complete discovery. It's like a treasure hunt. At your discretion. So it's at a time convenient for you. It's just your interview with yourself. So I highly recommend especially to help with those reasons that we don't want to know we feel we can't handle what we find in there. Four, we don't know how and again the worksheet is perfect for that because it's just a little guide to get started. Like I said the only way, you can look at the relationship with yourself.
00:15:00 - 00:20:05
If you have not done this before you're going to want something to help guide you through just because we don't know how to do this. This is not something that we're taught, and I want to change that. I want to teach, even young ladies, how to be able to look at their thoughts because if they want to make an adjustment, that's where it comes from. The filter with yourself. It's not coming from your circumstances. So I want women to know how to create an amazing relationship with themselves. And Five we don't know we can, and that's why I'm telling you right now. So you can. You totally can. Okay. So think about how? This impacts our life, our relationship with ourselves, our filter. This is our filter for our life experience because your brain. Is Your Life Experience. So looking outside of our brain for something to make happy, does not create genuine happiness. Because remember, the pain is on the inside. Looking outside and not like wiping the filter clean to get a clear view of the filter, there can't be any improvement on the inside. So sometimes, it looks like this. Hey when I have more money, then I'll feel better about myself. When I move, when I go on this trip, then better about myself. You guys you know what? The common denominator of all those things? You. So you're still going around as you with your filter in all of those things. So when you get there, if you don't have a beautiful great relationship with yourself, you're still going to feel what you feel right now. Even though the circumstances have changed. Because we have the same brain with us. And the brain is not the problem. And our thoughts are not the problem. Our thoughts can be changed. Right? So it just knowing how to do that. Knowing how to create a great relationship with yourself. So this is how you do it. You Interview Yourself daily. Now, I made the sheet an interview with yourself because I want you to see how to get started with that. Because it's different from journaling. It's different from just writing down today this today that tomorrow Blah. It actually helps you think of a close friendship, and I want you to go there with me. I want you to think about what makes a great friendship a success. You listen to her. You don't put her down. You have confidence in her and help her when she needs it. She doesn't always need your help. She's she's got it. But when she does, she needs to talk about it. And that's exactly what you get to discover when you interview yourself daily. So I actually called these downloads like these thought downloads, this journaling, an interview with yourself. So that's what it takes an interview with yourself. How are you doing? How are you feeling what's going on with you and like I said if this is completely new for you? Go get the worksheet. I'm going to link it in today's show notes too. But it's mschristiewilliams.com/interviewworksheet , no dashes. And it will help get you started. Once you get started, you'll have your own way of having this interview, but the main area here is that. You're going to listen to what you’re really feeling. You're not going to judge yourself. You're going to be super curious and compassionate to just find out what you're thinking. Honestly, genuinely. So how would you talk to a friend? Would you tell her? I can't believe you're thinking that you're such an idiot? No No. A friend that you love that is successful friendship you're listening, and even if they want to make an adjustment, it's just evaluation and adjusting. Its listening and responding. It's not accusatory. It's not forcing, so compassionate. And that's a missing piece to looking at the relationship with yourself. We see something we don't want to keep doing, and then we do the slapdown. I can't believe this. I'm a failure. You stink. It’s impossible for you. You don't matter. You make bad decisions. You'll never be enough. And guys that is fogging up your filter. Okay? So the difference after you appreciate the relationship with yourself, is just like with the best friend, you can see her value. You listen to her. You don't put her down. And you want to help her, and you can switch that right around on yourself. The same way you guys. This is not selfish because think about who you are and how you are acting and
00:20:06 - 00:24:05
showing up in the world when you appreciate yourself. Like picture this. When you care about yourself ,when you're not judging and beating yourself up, when you're like not defensive and there's nothing to prove, you’re a delight. Your refreshing to be around, and you know what? Your mind is so clear from all that fog on your filter that you can help people more and not from resentment. Not from forcing, not even from guilt, but out of love. And from genuine energy because you actually have some now. Because again, think about how much beating yourself up is exhausting. Right? I've mentioned this before but you guys I cannot reiterate it enough. Beating yourself up does not produce positive lasting results. Beating yourself up keeps you stuck. And it keeps you beating up other people, and I don't mean physically. Talking about in your mind. Judging them, being defensive, having something to prove. Why? Because you're doing that to yourself, and you are your filter to the world. Right? And I know you don't want to be there, and I know that's not your genuine motive. So taking a step back and a deep breath. Compassion. Love. It's all okay if you have been doing those things. Welcome to being a human. If you didn't know. You're a human and that's okay. We beat ourselves as default is part of our design right now. That being said, how much more so do you need an intentional relationship with yourself? Because when you have a great relationship with yourself you will not judge yourself. When you feel doubt, you're able to reset in the moment. You'll know how to feel any emotion, even a negative one. You won't try to block it. You won't make it mean you're a failure. You will have more energy to do what you want because one, you'll know what you want to do and all of that fog on your filter is cleaned up. You'll love yourself a lot. And guess what? You need that to love others. Filter. Genuine confidence is created because you have nothing to prove, you know exactly where you're coming from, what you're thinking, and you can always make adjustments without the critical bashing. So picture yourself doing all those things what would change for you? If you want to find out exactly how I invite you to work with me one on one in my six month program to create genuine confidence in yourself, your priorities and your decisions you have that. You live a life you love as a byproduct because you have an amazing relationship with yourself. Love, you guys gazillion. I cannot wait to see you next week. Checkout and download the free worksheet, the interview with yourself that's linked in the show notes and I will see you guys next time. Hey, if you're ready to feel genuine confidence, I invite you to work with me one on one. I help women manage negative emotions stop eating themselves up and live a life they love because when you have genuine confidence and have the energy to do it's important to you and the tools to create new results join me at mschristiewilliams.com to find out more. That's M S C H R I S T I E Williams Dot Com and I'll see you inside.